The date was January 10th when I sat down to play a game on the computer. Nothing. My brain could not figure out how to even turn on the computer. It felt like my brain was completely broken. Nothing going in, nothing going out. I started to cry. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I could not do something so trivial as turning on my computer. Something I had done literally millions of times.
For the next 10 weeks, things just got worse. I physically started to feel sick with migraines, although not your typical “my head hurts so bad its going to burst” type migraine but it was a dull ache that never went away. It made me feel like I wanted to claw my eyes out. I also felt like my whole body had restless leg syndrome. This didn’t help the feeling of wanting to claw my eyes out. The feeling that my brain was broke never went away. I found myself waking up, going to sit on my recliner, staring into space for hours, then going back to bed. Repeat for weeks.
People started noticing that I was speaking differently. I wasn’t coming up with my thoughts as quickly as normal. I wasn’t as active in responding to text messages as I usually was, (anyone who knows me, knows that I respond within seconds if I am not sleeping or driving,) and I was not in the mood to hang out with anyone. One of my favorite things to do is to get in the car and just go. I don’t have to have a destination in mind. I simply just love to take drives. Well, whatever was going on with me was stopping me from being able to do that.
I felt depressed. Not in the normal depressed I usually feel though. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t feel like crying or hurting myself, which were two of the most common things I felt when I was having a “normal” depressive episode. Still, everyone agreed that it was probably a depressive episode and it would get better overtime. Well, it didn’t.
No one truly understood how bad it had gotten. When I explained all the symptoms I was having to my family, that’s when they were able to understand more. Everyone in my life gave me more compassion and empathy than I probably deserved. I was not easy to deal with. I know I was dealing with a lot and I am not apologizing for how I acted, it still took a toll on some of my relationships.
I couldn’t even read and comprehend an entire page in a book I was reading. Surely, this can’t just be a depressive episode.
I went to several doctors to make sure I wasn’t dying of a brain tumor or something but all my tests came back fine. Doctors finally chalked it up to be medication related. “OK, well that’s great but what medication?” I thought. I had recently been taken off a medication that was making me sleep 12-16 hours a day. I asked them to take me off of it because I was tired of sleeping so much. I wanted my life back, or so I thought. At the same time they added two new medications to take the place of the one they just took me off. I really hated all the extra hours in a day I was awake. It was just more time in misery. I was sleeping 5 hours a night. Pure hell.
It was a Friday night and I started to develop all the symptoms of a stroke. I called the on call neurosurgeon at the hospital and they advised me to go to the ER. So, at 9PM here I go with my significant other to the ER almost an hour away. We waited for 7 hours. I had every test you can imagine. Nothing. All the results came back clear. “YAY! I didn’t have a stroke.” I said. But wait, ugh, then what the heck is wrong with me?! I was admitted into the hospital for 2 weeks. They did a lot of monitoring more tests. Finally, they took me off one of the two medicines that I was recently put on to see if that was the case. NOPE! Weeks went by and nothing. No change. Just more frustration and depression than one person could almost not handle.
I was seriously starting to wonder if this was my new normal and if it was, could I handle it? Passing thoughts of suicide definitely entered my brain. It was hard. Especially on my immediate family to see me go through this. Day in and day out basically being an emotionless vegetable. (Compared to the vegetable that has emotions?) OK, that doesn’t make sense but it’s how I felt.
Well, the only way to figure out if any of this was causing my issues was to become a lab rat and test it out. So, they took me off one of the two medicines they put me on. Days went by in the hospital and no changes. Finally, they gave up and sent me home. The only difference I saw was that I was stronger because of the physical therapy I had gotten in the hospital and I had a few less headaches because of pain medicine.
DUH!!!!! Why not get back on the medicine that was having me sleep so much? Sure, it sucks to sleep so late in the day but it sure as heck of a lot better than feeling like you want to claw your eyes out! So, I put a call into my psychiatrist. She took me off the other medication I was still on and then put me back on my old medication.
Ahhhh, sleep. my old best friend. Welcome back! That night I slept 12 hours and I felt better than I had in months. I was definitely still not back to 100% but I will take any improvement at this point.
Its been 3 days since that amazing night. I have gotten 12 hours of sleep a night since and I can honestly say I am back 80% to myself.
I don’t feel like I am brain dead anymore, I enjoy all the things I used to be able to do like driving and reading, and I can do things like write a blog post!
Sure, 12 hours of sleep a night is a lot of sleep but it’s not the end of the world and I will take feeling like myself and sleeping 12 hours a night than feeling like an emotionless vegetable that cannot contribute to life in any way.
This is not a plug for hating on medications. Medication has saved my life in a lot of ways and I am still on a lot of other medications for a lot of other things to help me. However, I am here to say 3 things:
- When your mind and body feel off there is ALWAYS a reason.
- If you recently made a change and you start experiencing weird symptoms, thing about that change before 10 weeks goes by.
- Have grace on yourself and your loved ones. Everyone goes through things.
Most importantly though, never give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark, long and lonely it gets!
Kara O'Daniel 